Apparently I Like Music

I've started writing music.

For real. It helps me cope with my anxiety and I honestly don't think I could live without it. Music makes me happy and it fills my heart and soul with a peace that I really don't get anywhere else. I've been in choirs since elementary school, and they were always my favorite part of going to school, even though things got really frustrating for me in high school. But we all kind of learn to work through those moments of frustration. That's what life is made of.

But anyway, I just finished writing my first song since middle school, and I'm proud of myself. I never thought that writing music is something that would become part of my life again, but it's sneaked up on me and it's pretty great.

I also want to talk about my Uncle Steve, who is awesome, by the way. He was the one who gave me my first voice lesson. I was probably ten or eleven and I really wanted to audition for my city's talent show, so he came over to help me with my song. On occasion, I still use the techniques he gave me, like leaning forward on high notes. That's pretty fun to do, honestly. Now I see him every once in a while because he lives in LA and he's doing awesome music things.

He inspires me. A lot. In high school, I had a list of things I wanted to do, and on that list was "see Uncle Steve at least two times" because I missed him and I still hadn't had a chance to see him perform (I still haven't, even though my parents have and I am definitely bitter). But I got to see him at Christmas my senior year as well as this Christmas, so that was nice. My senior year, he gave me some notebooks and I've put them to good use. Especially the moleskine notebook. It holds my poetry and music. It holds my soul, and I am so glad that he gave it to me. It has honestly been my best friend.

I want to be like my Uncle Steve. I want to make music.

I want to keep feeling what music gives to me. And I know for sure that I can do that whenever, but sometimes I wonder if I should have listened to my mom about majoring in music, but then I'd be in college for like seven years and I don't think I could do that.

I guess I've just finally hit that point in my life where I don't know what I want to do, but my lifelong desire to make music is still here and I wonder if I should follow that. I mean, I want to go to France, and I want to write, but music is this part of me that always "calls" for me to go to it. I never stop singing or doodling around on the piano or dancing because music is how my life works. It helps me feel less alone, and last week when I got started writing again, I remember thinking, "I want to be the person who can get someone else through a rough time in their life." And if I can do that through music, I would be so happy. I want to be the person that someone looks up to. I want them to see that things do get better, even if things really suck and it doesn't seem like there's ever a way out. I want to give them something to hold on to, even if it's just a few lines of a song. Anything to let them know that I know what it feels like and that everything will be fine.

Maybe my dream is crazy. But I don't think that's going to stop me from writing and creating. I can't stop. I mean, after I told my Uncle Steve that I finished my first song today, he said "Keep exploring and your truth will come through your songs", and it really just struck a chord in me and I (honestly) got a little weepy because I knew it was the right thing to let him know, and it was something that I'd never heard before.

Like, my parents have been so supportive of me and music, too, like last year, when I skipped school solo and ensemble since I was sick, but they made me talk to Mr.Thorpe about going to region, and I ended up getting a I at state because music is something I'm good at and I shouldn't let it all slip away. And I think something that they've said about me going to France applies to this as well. "If [it's] in your heart, then follow it. Do what makes you happy, fuck what anyone else thinks. Live your life for you, not for anyone else."

Follow your hearts, lovelies. I guess that was the point of this post. I'll try to be less vague as time goes on, but that's probably not going to happen.

Peace out!